Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xloveme2_deathx's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
8:34 pm	I havent wrote in here in a long time So hi. wow I guess i've been busy. I mostly forgot about this. But yeah. I need a job. i have no money. & College is expensive. Blah. I'm going to go lay down. kbye. Current Mood: blah
Bound Yourself
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
8:48 pm	ksad "Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." I never though this could happen. All I can say is i'm sorry. & I'm allready suffering enough. I just want things to be okay again. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Keeping Distance.
Bound Yourself
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
8:02 pm	,bkbkje I did the worst thing. How could i have done this to him? At least now he knows. How could I though? Its so fucking selfish. Just because I was scared he would leave me. 7 because i didn't have the balls to tell anyone. I'M JUST LIKE THEM. just thinking of what I need. I need him so much. It feels like hes the thing that keeps me safe. & alive. I've never felt so alive. than I do when i'm with him. if it ends..my world is over. there is no one else worth it. Maybe I can write a song. for his band. since i'm in the mood. i don't know how i did this. i wanted it to be true. i've been through so much. to end it all with you. i never thought i'd loose you but i guess i have to. i'm a walking bomb. ready to explode. I mess everythig up. everywhere I go. i've finaly lost my world now that I dont have you and I can feel my heart ready to explode just because i thought everything would be okay. but I guess this is what I get. I was wrong again. you were all I had now I have nothing. All my life, i've been searcing for something then I find you & lost it all. i'm a walking bomb. ready to explode. I mess everythig up. everywhere I go. i've finaly lost my world now that I dont have you and I can feel my heart ready to explode just because i thought everything would be okay I over assumed bow theres nothing to do i understand you reasons i just never thought it'd happen now i've lost everything to waste some time with you
Bound Yourself
12:50 pm	Blah So I haven't written i here at all lately. I say that pretty much every time I write but whatever. I'm going to write this essay to try to get out of high school early. If that doesn't work, i'm going to try to take this test in march. If that doesn't work i'm stuck for 1 more yeah. I just really want to get out though. High school is lame. I'm still going to go to prom though. By getting guest passes. Yep. So xmas is coming up. I need to start getting xmas presents. Ah. I think I know what i'm getting tony. i think. I donno. Well lately the subject of Luke has been coming up. And see its making me sad because I really ish I could just erase that part of my life. Like I seriously have changed my out look on so many thing. Everything I did in my past..I'm over it. I was so stupid. I just want it to go away. I know I did it. but I would really wish not to speak of it anymore. I mean, you don't know what happened. Kay yeah anyways, I've realized i've grown both stronger & weaker in many ways. I guess i'm pretty emotionaly in some ways. But in others, i'm strong. I mean I cry easy now. Before I never cried. I hate crying. Seriously. It feels like my heart its going to explode out of my throat every time. anyways, I'm going to that one place with tony today. Which is coool. Finaly. Anyways, On friday is 8 months. Today i told hella people he asked me to marry him & showed them the ring he got me, & they hella belived me. It was funny. But then I told them the truth. Yep. Well i'm gonna go. The computer is lame. kbye. Oh yeah ps! My nano froze yesterday! But it works now! =)
Bound Yourself
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
8:45 pm	Yeah. I need to vent part 2 cause the last one died So. I'm so tired of getting hurt. & I'm so tired of hurting myself when things go wrong. Cause..thats not what it is. I'm so stupid. When things go wrong, the first thing I do is think to myself "i've done something to cause this. This is my punshment". But its not. Most of the time, its not even my fault. I'm tired of how the things many people think is tragic, i've experianced. My life is an effing novel. I'm tired of having to say..that I live with my dad because I was forced to come here. Because I'm crazy, & I have depression. I'm tired of being surrounded by people who are wasting their life away. Its so fucking depressing. Yeah, this has made me a better person, by causing me to grow up, but have I grown up too fast? I've noticed this has also made me very bitter. i used to be mad at alot of people, but now, I don't have any paicence for anyone who wastes their life. I notice myself going off on people. Its not cool. Like seriously, I don't know whats happening. & the stupid isabel thing! Why does it bother me so much? Its because..I'm scared of getting hurt. I mean seriously...being so against myself at this age isn't normal. I just wish everything would just be okay. With my mom, with everyting. But things like that never happen when they have allready hit rock bottom so many times. They just get worse & worse. I'm just gonna try to forget it. I'm just gonna think it will get better. everytime I loose an eyelash, i wish for my mom to get better. Man, this is making me want to cry. I'm gonna go call tony now. <3 Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Mae- Summertime
Bound Yourself
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
8:06 pm	dsakjsad laskdad. Are you getting tired? I think we’ve gone, and lost the fire. But I don’t wanna fight anymore, I’ve had enough, of this town. I can see the signs, and I can read between the lines. But I don’t know what we were fighting for, I’m just trying, to breakout. I’ve been waiting for something, I’ve been sitting for too long. I’ve been waiting but oh tonight, this one last try, goes on and on and on You put your nets out, but still you chose to do without. the only way to catch the butterfly, is never waiting for the wings, and As seasons bring change, and as the seconds fade away. I still don’t know why we were holding on, But I’m still trying, to breakout. I’ve been waiting for something, I’ve been sitting for too long. I’ve been waiting but oh tonight, this one last try, goes on and on and on Should've known better than to listen. When the dreams and the words started falling apart. Should've known i would've hit the ground running. Did you think that the night would posses us, Take us over like the rain that’s falling down. Did you notice when the clock stopped running. Running… This is the countdown; You see our time is running out. I tread to stay above the waterline, but never taking off the weights that keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear. I’ll never know what we were fighting for, but I’m still looking to breakout. I’ve been waiting for something, I’ve been sitting for too long. I’ve been waiting but oh tonight, this one last try, goes on and on and on ♥ You Suck. I should have hit the ground running. As soon as things started to feel wrong. I should have seen this comming, Came off my cloud, & get away from the storm. This feels all too familiar I've seen this all bofore. But I don't want my heart to break again. I don't know if i'll last. I cant take this anymore, I'm running. I'm sick of the games, I've had it up to here. & you should have seen your face when I found out. Your pretty dumb to think I'm that clueless. I could tell by the way you adored her but disliked me so much. But still you lied, & said you loved me. I could tell when you put on that fake against her act. I cant take this anymore, I'm running. I'm sick of the games, I've had it up to here Yeah, I hate you right now, But you know I just want you to be happy. I wish you could have just talked to me. I said I loved you & I ment it. & it kills me to know that you lied. About everything. But I might as well try to live.. No matter how much I cry, just promise me you'll be allright. I don't know what the fuck this is, or where it came from. but whatever. it sucks & I dont care. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Nothing.
Bound Yourself
Monday, November 14th, 2005
5:33 pm	Yucky again So I can't decide weather I should ruin my cousins life or not. I honestly think he'd try to kill me if he found out I did. But I swear. Hes the dumbest person in the world. I'm going to send him a message on myspace. & Copy his myspace & Save it. I would like to show jennifer, but I don't want them to break up. They have been together for 2 years. Hes being so stupid today. Seriously. I just want to be like "Don't push me dumbass I got shit on you". He won't give me my camera. He just walked into my room & grabbed it. What a lame person. Then hes being an asshole to everyone. Whatever. I'll figure it out.
Bound Yourself
Friday, November 11th, 2005
5:45 pm	Yuck Yeah, I'm pissed. I just wrote a whole bunch of reasons why. Then it died. F. But yeah. These people need to stay out of my bisness, get a life, anstop wasting their life. Seriously, I love them but they suck. I want to get out of here. Seriously. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I need to stop depending on Tony so much. & thinking everything that goes wrong is my fault. Its not. I need to breathe. But yeah these people are dumb. I'm going to my room till Tony gets here. Thank god for him. Ps. I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes To a whole new world that had since been in disguise But that day will most likely never come for me And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck To everything you are So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures And overanalyze your words But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard It's taking everything in me Just to forget your sweater so far I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world But your undecisive mind shows me that You are "just another guy" I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams Maybe then you'd know how I feel But that day will most likely never come for me And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck To everything you are So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures And overanalyze your words But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard It's taking everything in me Just to forget your sweater so far I can honestly say That I never, ever, ever felt this way Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin These are the parts of your body That cause my comatose to begin I can honestly say That I never, ever, ever felt this way Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin These are the parts of your body That cause my comatose to begin I will sleep another day I don't really need to anyway What's the point when my dreams are infected With words you used to say I will breathe in a moment As long as I keep my distance I wouldn't want to go messing anything up So don't go worrying about me It's not like I think about you constantly So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect Your life anymore I knew it the moment you walked into the door So don't go worrying about me It's not like I think about this constantly So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect Your life anymore I knew it the moment you walked into the door I'll let you get the best of me Because there's nothing else that I do well I'll let you get the best of me Because there's nothing else that I do well I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim All hail the heartbreaker && And there's three, count 'em three Children missing from the beach They were eager to learn, To be taught and to teach But the sad thing Is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen Due to neglect from their mother Who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father She didn't even notice, or pay much attention As the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean Now all her advice, it seems useless No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive So live for the moment And take this advice, live by every word Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard And live for the moment now ily. ♥ Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: SHMG- off with her head
Bound Yourself
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
7:11 pm	HAHA. So.. Apparently my grandma doesn't belive in sex before marrage? I guss thats cool.. but its funny how I found out. So.. Like. Friends was on.. And joey touched rachel's booty & shes like "ARE THEY MARRIED?!" LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ Omg. I hella laughed. I was like "Gee grandmother. You sure are modest. & I adore it so". Like man...she understood me saying that. I barley understood it. haha. jk. but thats how old she is. Man. Old people. hah. So I really should be reading. I will in uno momento. Anyways. That was exciting. I didn't go anywherre today. It sucks. But tomorrow fersure. I'm going to see if I can go out later...cause no school friday. Woo. But yeah. I really like the band Bring Me The Harizon. Check em out! Hella sick. I'm also excited for tonys band. They are so good for 2 days. Okay. Time to study. I'll write more later. ily. Current Mood: content Current Music: Bring Me The Harizon
Bound Yourself
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
10:21 am	Lame. Lame for dieing. I'm dieing. Yuck. i'm supposed to go work I think. Yesterday I workd. I'm trying to save my money to get an i pod nano. Helllz yes. haha. Gosh i'm so cold. So I guess tony is coming to pick me up soon. For work. Which is cool. Man i havent wrote on here lately. Well Tony & I have been together for 7 months now which is really really cool. & xciting. I can't wait for 8. Its almost thanksgiving. Tony & I are going to my moms. Which is cool. Sometimes I wish I lived with her cause alot of things would be easyer. But...they would be harder too. Cause I don't want to get sad again. & I could being around the stuff I was around again. Its so funny. Cause I remember when I wished for that nice family, with only a little problems. With that nice house. & That cute dog. But why wish for something that will never come true? Its okay cause it will be nice when I have a family & stuff. Cause I would never put my kid through anything like i've been through, The show last nigh was cancled. It suckss. Alot. I was looking foward to it. So insted, Tony, His brother Barry & I, went to santana row & to valley fair. It was fun. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Ladytron- Seventeen
Bound Yourself
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
7:46 pm	sadhsajdaslkdsad I FUCKING HATE MYSPACE. I swear. It ruins lives. The only good thing is that I kinda met Tony there. Fuck. All these people are so addicted to it. Get a life. Stop asking people to whore you so you can feel better about yourself cause you have so many friends. Think about it. You probaly dont talk to them, and do you accucaly think you'll ever meet all 13019283012 thousand of them? Stop asking for comments to boost your ego. I mean come on. Yeah, I ask Tony for comments. so what thats different. I just ask him cause I don't get alot of comments from him.hah. So you can not call me a hypocrit. "Oh mi god. I haven't been on myspace for 2 days!". STFU. Anyways, If I didn't allready say this, Tony is going to my moms with me on Thanksgiving. I'm excited. I've noticed that I'm getting kind of slefish. Like..If someone is not talking to me..and doing something else i'm like "AHHH TALK TO ME!". I know. Its terrible. I'll try to stop. I have like no tollerence anymore. Only with children. Cause its understandable. duh. But with everything else. People who don't do shit but expect things in return. Argh fuck them. Eh. I feel bad. I'm in this grumpy mood. & when that happens i'm hella a bitch. So i'm going to go take a shower or something. Oh yeah today is 7 months for Tony & I. I know. Its exciting. I love him. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Hellogoodbye-Dear Jamie
Bound Yourself
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
12:56 pm	So I've realized I would really like to model. SHOOT! I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY EMAIL. But I doubt I would get a respond that fast. No. I wouldn't. hah. So. I kinda just got out of bed. I've been awake since 6:20 Am, but I went back to bed & layed there. What a lazy day. So the forecast is going to the cave. Hella crazy. K well I hate the computer. so bye. ily ♥ ps. i've decided that if i'm married by 20 and I have a job & stuff, that it would be nice to have a kid. Cause kids are really nice. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Hellogoodbye-Dear Jamie
Bound Yourself
Saturday, October 29th, 2005
7:12 pm	Oh yeah and I saw, Saw2 last night. It was good. I promise. Go see it. Current Music: sadadsadashggh
Bound Yourself
7:07 pm	Today I stared at the screen till it played. its been a long day. Now I sit here waiting. My worst fear is being left behind again. I hope it never happens. That is the key to my depression. I can't wait till thanksgiving. I get to see her. & her. Then be with him too. Yeah its going to be good. I miss them. I hope its good. Cause I always jinx everything. But I really miss her. She even said he fixed me. & she's proud of him. How cute. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Emery- Ponytail Parade
Bound Yourself
10:39 am	Your probaly right. So, I’m just the medicine You take when you’re sick You get well and that’s it I’m put back on the shelf in your mirror And it isn’t beautiful The course of our fate So, people love and they hate And I guess it’s just our turn to hate Yeah, you were just some song I wrote A poem on a page A sculpture I made out of clay Desire was the flame But now you’re more of a lipstick Girls just pass you around They put you on their lips then thrown on the ground And then we all get cute smiles And you think I’m an asshole now Well, you’re probably right But at least I’m not blind to the facts I’ve been wishing were lies But still I hope you get everything That you care to possess And unbelievable sex with her Or any one of my friends But just don’t ask about my appetite I didn’t lose it tonight No, it’s been gone half my life It’s just act, I’ve been eating for you Current Mood: sore Current Music: Emery- Ponytail Parade
Bound Yourself
Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
7:09 pm	......2 I loved you, you made me, hate me. You gave me, hate, see?. It saved me and these tears are deadly. You feel that? I rip back, everytime you tried to steal that.You feel bad? you feel sad? Im sorry, hell no fuck that! It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife. This strife it dies, this life and these lies. And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you! I've , Lost it all, fell today,It's all the same I'm sorry oh I'm sorry no I've , been abused, I feel so used, because of you I'm sorry oh I'm sorry no I wish I could I could have quit you. I wish I never missed you, And told you that I loved you, every time I Fucked you. The future that we both drew, and all the shit we've been through. Obssed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew! How could you do this to me? Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you. I used to be love struck, now I'm just fucked up. Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts! (Chorus) Seems like all we had is over now you left to rest. And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound. Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down. Current Mood: creative Current Music: ...
Bound Yourself
6:51 pm	... Lets start the first verse with who do you think you are? Lights of admiration... I drag my heels off to bed. These words roll of my tongue so easy, like it was already written. I create music for the insane. Let's sing in tune 'till notes fall young. We built the roads for you to walk on, and we knew you would hate this. Design these walls with a thousand words. I heard a voice speak against the heavy. Oh, I saw a miracle once. All I want to do is lay. Rejoice in the upbringing of this fantasy... Fall on your knees... Drop your flag and run... Let's start the third verse, with who do you think you are? Lights of admiration... I drag my heels off to bed. We built the roads for you to walk on, and we knew you hate this. Design these walls with pages of a thousand words. Accept it, instead of believing these fairy tales... Drop it... Shove it... We've tried, but our throats are bloody... We can't swallow anymore, but it doesn't matter... You'll be pretty down south sipping coffee... I'm hoping I never have to write this song again, and God save the Queen. I live my life to learn to hate, bastards fight freely. Current Mood: artistic Current Music: ..
Bound Yourself
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
7:17 pm	another? Your lie is why you died. ____________________________ You said it would be easy. You said that you'd stay with me. I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of what you said before. Now. its over. I'm tired of letting it go. Now. It's over. This is when i say no. i used to do everything for you not to get mad at me. but now i'm tired of having to do this so you won't leve me. I know you lied, I know you lied. & now i'm letting you go. Now. It's over & you can't say no. Now, its over i'm tired of letting it go. Now. It's over. This is when i say no. I though things were improving. But I was fooling myself. I made myself belive, that I wasn't on your shelf. I hate to say I love you. But now i'm letting you go. I'm not sorry. Just to let you know. Now. Its over i'm tired of letting it go. Now. Its over, this is when I say no. Tell me why you lied, and what it is you do to keep your eyes all shiny. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: NOTHING
Bound Yourself
6:29 pm	Song? How can you sit there like everythings okay When i'm sitting here counting the days. I'm tired of holding back, i can't take this anymore. Soon it will get the best of me, like it did back then, but until then i'll pretend i'm happy. Just to satisfy everyone else. Here it goes again. I'm loosing control. spinning around. Headed for the ground. but it will be over soon you told me. How long will that last? You lied. & Here it goes again. I'm loosing control. Spinning around. Headed for the ground. Forget about me. It will be over soon. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: SHMG- off with her head
Bound Yourself
5:50 pm	fuck. I'm so stressed. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being like this. I'm tired of pretending everythings okay. Mf. I just want everything to be good at at least one point in my life.. I want more than one good thing. I want my mom to be okay. People don't fucking get it. Whatever, they're sorry.. they don't get it. They don't know how it is. They have never been through this. They think its not a big deal. & that it shouldn't be hard to forget. MY MOM IS FUCKING DIEING. Don't tell me how to act. I hate it when i'm like this. Why did he(god) pick me? Well. I guees everything happens for a reason. Maybe so I grow up faster? I've done that. So let me have a better life? I know it could be worse but I really don't want my mom to die. I'm tired of crying. & your not even there for me. you have better things to do though. I guess I understand. I wish I could have been ready. I put my sheild down though. Its my fault. Everything is. I KNOW, life is what you make it. But fuck. How do you deal with this? I can't not think about it. I'm tired of hiding. this is making me want to not care anymore. I'll still do good, whatever cause its for my mom, but i'm tired of this place. I don't want anyone to do anything for me anymore. I just want them to pretend i'm not here till i'm gone. Whatever. I'll be okay in a few days. Like always. How long is this gonna last? My next entry= A new write. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Emery- Ponytail Parade
Bound Yourself